Welcome to Metro-Redneck Off Road
You might be asking yourself, "What is a Metro-Redneck?"
Well, if you live in a mansion like the one below, you are NOT a Metro-Redneck. You are a full fledged real deal redneck.
Answer: You are a Metro-Redneck if...
 | You work and live in the suburbs with your beautiful wife that is every bit as smart as she is hot along with your golden retriever and/or lab. |
| You have a John Deere mower or at a minimum a hat and drink imported or micro beer while using/wearing it. |
| You are a corporate employee in a start-up company planning to make it rich and each day you come in dressed up and use words like 'paradigm shift' and 'strategic intent'. |
| Each day you can't wait to get home from your job of "saving the world" just so you can machine a new bracket or weld on a new accessory or wire a new light to your 'mistress'...otherwise know as your truck/buggy/sandrail/rockcrawler. |
| Your commuter car is often referred to as a 'Stomper' or 'Monster Truck'. |
| On your way to work each morning you dream of crawling over the vehicles in front of you while sitting in traffic. |
| You spend 1/2 your day at work thinking about your next trip to the mountains. |
| Your executive job is just a means to and end of making your truck the most badass truck it can be. |
If you identify with at least 2 of the above statements, you are likely a Metro-Redneck like me! Don't worry too much though, the disease is not fatal...well at least not immediately. If being a metro-redneck upsets you, simply lie down until the feeling goes away. The bright side is there are others out there just like you.
If you are still unsure whether or not you are a metro-redneck vs. a regular old normal redneck, check the following list. If you answer yes to ANY of these, you are a regular old normal redneck.
| You serve left over fried bar-b-que bologna sandwiches at a formal garden wedding party. |
| You own a truck with steering and fabrication like those listed here. |
| You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. |
| Your truck is worth $30,000 and your house is worth $3,000. |
| Your town has a combination funeral home and game room. |
| You think the stock market has a fence around it. |
| Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. |
| You own a homemade fur coat. |
| Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. |
| You burn your yard rather than mow it. |
| Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." |
| You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." |
| You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. |
| The Salvation Army declines your mattress. |
| You've raked leaves in your kitchen. |
| Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. |
| You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. |
| You've ever hit a deer with your car deliberatley. |
| Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". |
| You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. |
| You've ever given rat traps as gifts. |
| You clean your fingernails with a stick. |
| Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. |
| You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. |
| You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. |
| Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. |
| Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. |
| Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. |
| You've totaled every car you've ever owned. |
| There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. |
| You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. |
| The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. |
| You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. |
| You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. |
| You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. |
| You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. |
| You're considered an expert on wormbeds. |
| Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." |
| The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. |
| Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. |
| You pick your teeth from a catalog. |
| You've ever stolen toilet paper. |
| You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. |
| People hear your car a long time before they see it. |
| The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. |
| You prefer car keys to Q-tips. |
| You take a fishing pole into Sea World. |
| You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. |
| You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. |
| You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. |
| Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. |
| MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. |
| You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. |
| You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. |
| Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. |
| You own a denim leisure suit. |
| Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices |
| You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. |
| You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car. |
| The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. |
| You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm. |
| You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." |
| You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic. |
| After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. |
| Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. |
| You've been too drunk to fish. |
| You cut your toenails in front of company. |
| You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women. |
| Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. |
| Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. |
| You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. |
| Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. |
| You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. |
| You can spit without opening your mouth. |
| You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. |
| You have grease under your toenails. |
| You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. |
| Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. |
| You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. |
| You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. |
| You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. |
| You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. |